"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts desire. It doesn't matter to me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking the fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive. It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your sorrow. If you have been opened up by life's betrayls or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let ecstacy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human. It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can betray another to be true to yourself, if you can bear the accusations of betrayl and not betray your own soul. I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not a pretty day, and if you can source your life from God's presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver light of a full moon. It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done. It doesn't matter who you are, or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. it doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments."
If you can make me so miserable now, its only going to get worse and we go. I dont aspire to be the girl that lives in a dark hole because he friend is constantly making her feel stupid and incompetent.
You are not my boyfriend. I do not pretend that you are. I don't want you to be. I'm only around to comfort you or help you when it's convienent for you. until now.
I know that you have made me upset in the past, many more times than i would like to think about. However, tonight, took the cake. Somehow you managed to let me see the whole mess that is you and me in a whole new perspective. When the day comes when i can finally say that you can no longer make me upset, will be nothing but a relief and i'm anxiously awaiting that feeling until i die.
I'm so tired of the shit from you guys. I've never felt so upset and angry as i do right now, and you two made it all possible.
so all in all, things i suppose are going semi-well.
Me and rick are speaking and once and awhile he convinces me that he still likes me. M&T is a job afterall and it's no so bad since now i seem to be able to find something to do most of the time and nobody really cares what it is as long as i dont appear to be bored, besides its relatively good money and half over!
I was given the chance to switch rooms at sunyit and took advantage of that which is exciting since i get another opportunity to meet new people. My scheldule is both challenging yet spread pretty thin, however i dont have a day off of classes as i did last year but oh well, i dont even care anymore!
Fredonia told me to get on it and transfer in the spring, i'll have most of my gen eds done by then anyways, which is supposed to be great news, however it doesnt feel so great, in fact not at all. i'm gunna miss all my kids so much! i dont know what i would do without them. Even though I'm not confident in anything i do, they have faith in me, in everything, and that alone is why i owe them my life!
The weekend was fun, I did enjoy myself even after the struggle of everyone hating me because i left. It was away from here for a while. Helped my decision about fredonia vs. UB, i dont wanna live in buff anymore, i want out, so it aint gunna be UB. I wanna move out of this place once college is over. I'd move now if i could, maybe next summer i'll spend somewhere else.
We chilled at matt's house in the ADK, did the campfire thing, chilled on the dock, climbed a mountain and this scary ladder thing but it was worth it once i got myself to do it. and i spent the whole time with someone that didnt think i was the spawn of satan. all in all i had fun and since nobody agreed with my decision to go, i wont talk about it anymore. but it was good for me, i needed it!!
as for other stuff, rachel, i am sorry, i could have just told you how i felt at the time, but instead i let it boil and then got so angry over it. i'm sorry
and you kid, i dont know what to say, its obvious that we cant get along, you have a problem with me and thats okay. when are we just gunna cut our losses and give up? but whenever you'd like you can stop talking shit about me and assuming that i'm gunna go out and get pregnant because i wouldnt say that about you. the more you talk the more i realize how little you really think of me, and i'm not about to stick around for that. i'm sorry for all the shit that happened since we started clawing at each others throats, it really wasnt necessary since it didnt get us anywhere. i really am sorry.
thats a step in the right direction i think. except when its time to talk, i dont know what to say.
you wiped my tears got rid of all my fears why did you have to go? guess it wasn't enough to take up some of my love cause guys are so hard to trust
Did you think that i was gonna give it up to you this time did you think that it was something i was gonna do and cry don't try to tell me what to do don't try to tell me what to say your better off that way
so everything is about payback. everything has to be fair. i did this for X amount of days so you have to do the same back for X amount of days. talk about holding grudges... just forget it and move on, no wonder we cant do anything. well rick what about all the days i spend angry, upset, and crying. are you gunna put in the same amount of time because your not being very fair if you dont...
i'm dine with it all, when you wanna chill and talk about stuff not pertaining to the past i'm all for it. if not, i'm sry but i cant live in the past forever and if thats the case, i gotta stop waiting around for you and this fabulous relationship that we once had to come back and move on with my life.
44 days left of work...but it will end eventually...i'm just waiting for that.
so i dont think it can be fixed. its gone too far. there is absolutly no good feelings involved. its just something to do it seems. i'm just there for entertainment and favors. i dont wanna be around for that anymore. i've had enough of this shit. its not my fault and its not yours...but i'm tired of it. we should have given up long ago cuz obviously saving this is at the bottom of your list of things to do.
and its great that ya'll wanna help but really cant do shit. and if you really wanna tell me that its my fault or that i let it happen...then i dont need you around
i've decided that i am truly unhappy with most aspects of my life...work makes me panic, i dont like feeling like i'm useless and stupid and i cant even motivate myself to learn about networks and servers because i dont care at all. my family...my mom wont talk to me, my dad trys to comunicate but you can tell hes upset that his daughter is so unhappy and it shows.
my relationships...are lacking in something. i feel like an extra...somebody to be thrown aside when not needed. i'm sorry that i couldn't follow the movie, and i'm sorry that i like hugs and kisses before i leave so that i actually feel important...that i'm not just there for your entertainment
so i've heard that fredonia is an incredible school...kinda excited to go but scared that this major, my dream major is gunna lead me absolutly nowhere in life.
emily isnt comin back to school so i dont know what i'm staying for.
i wanna tell the world about transferring to fredonia and how cool the school is. the highlight of my day is visiting the website so i can pretend i dont go to sunyit anymore. but nobody seems to wanna listen to me talk about my new school.
i want someone to be excited for me...i wanna go back to right after graduation...pretend i didnt pick the wrong school, pretend me and rick wernt having the problems that we are having. i wanna get a real hug when we leave instead of us walking away.
im sick of the shit with my friends, with peace love and harmony...with everything. i'm sick of always bein the one with no stories to tell...i'm sick of being miserable all year round when all my friends get to go back to their fun filled lives in the fall forgettin about everything.
i've been bawling for hours...i have to wake up for work soon and all i want is a hug...
And everytime I try to fly I fall without my wings I feel so small I guess I need you baby And everytime I see you in my dreams I see your face, you're haunting me I guess I need you baby
I may have made it rain Please forgive me My weakness caused you pain And this song is my sorry